Meditation on the Meditation- Half Moon Pose

This is the first posture in the series and so I often continue to feel anxiety about what lies ahead. Though if it has been a couple of days since my last practice my back can be so tight, I like the feeling of stratching it, side to side, backward and forward. In moving side to side. I find it very difficult to keep my hips and shoulders in alignment. It takes great focus to keep what feels like twisting my spine for more than a few seconds. This is when focusing becomes challenging. It is so much easier to not try, to just not push as hard as I can. I notice my mind beginning to search for excuses-"I'm just tired today so I'll take it easy. My back hurts. I think I'm getting a cold. I'll try harder next time."

At this pose in my practice, my biggest excuse is that I don't want to exhaust myself at the start so that I can't make it through the whole class. This is significant, I think, because it is how I have lived much of my life. With chronic fatigue, I had to budget my energy, thinking ahead about what I had to accomplish for the day or the week. There were often many things I couldn't do for fear of not being able to do the things I had to do. I still have this tendency to be parsimonious about, well, living really. I'm still working on being more open to expending energy outside my work routine- going to a movie during the week, getting together with a friend, writing something creative, starting a masters program.

I have wanted to begin a masters program in child psychology or curriculum design for several years. I read many books and articles, attend seminars, etc. But I still hesitate to commit to a formal program. I hear myself thinking "what if I get sick? What if I can't keep up? What if I become overwhelmed?" I have made progress in engaging in short term goals and projects, such as the 30 day challenge, making additional materials for my classroom, writing this journal. I hope that with more time and active thought about this block, I will be able to reach for more substantial goals.

I am using half moon to explore these feelings. By pushing myself in the safety of the room I'm hoping this will happen off the mat as well. If I push myself in half moon and can still survive the rest of the class, I think that could translate into confidence in my energy and ability in life.