Meditation on the Meditation- Standing Bow

This is the most beautiful and graceful of the postures. One friend and fellow yogini said it feels like flying. There is something dramatic and freeing and fun about it. Part of the balancing series, it doesn't trouble me the way head-to-knee does. I don't hold the same expectations for it. I fall out all the time, but I'm not frustrated by it. I find myself, during standing bow, kind of lightly dreaming of doing a beautiful standing split someday, feeling really like an arrow ready to be loosed through the sky.

It makes me think about how fickle and capricious our expectations really are. Why would I react so differently to one posture than to another? We tend to think that the things that are important to us are important for concrete objective reasons, but so much of it is emotionally driven, unconsciously (or consciously) chosen. Getting to the root of our desire, where it originates and why, can be freeing. Realizing that what we think is important is a choice and not imposed upon us can be a relief- this is not fate it is my doing. Of course then, there is the responsibility of that choice.

Standing bow is a good place to work on cultivating some of these aspects, a sense of playful dreaming, enjoying being in the moment,loving myself for what I am in that moment and letting the expectations, desires, attachments fall by the wayside. I have begun to successfully transplant that experience into other areas of my life, my consciousness. When desire, aching, longing- those pertinacious weeds!- arise, it is easier to recognize them and tenderly supplant them with these other things.

Meditation on the Meditation- Standing Head to Knee

The first in the balancing series. For me, this posture is about frustration with limitations. It's the most intimidating to look at and so makes me want to master it. I want to be able to say "I can do that." My balance has improved a bit, I think, but I have not made much progress. I can keep my leg up and parallel pretty well, pretty consistently, but I can not get my head to my knee. I lose my balance, a muscle twitches. I'm close, so close sometimes, but I just can't do it!

Of course, there are parallels I can draw off the mat as well, things I just can't do no matter how hard I try. Limitations. They exist. No one can do everything.

The question is how we respond to our limitations. Lately, my response has been frustration. Not a very effective response. Frustration can be a turning point, the point at which you can decide to keep trying (out of determination or habit) or give up.

I usually don't give up. But it's not easy to stand toe to toe with that frustration. It can make me deeply sad not to be able to do or be something I desire. That limitation can become a magnifying glass for all of my short-comings and lead to a downward spiral toward depression.

So what is an alternative? Sometimes I indulge in living in that frustration and sadness, but it consumes so much energy I can't stay there long. So, there is letting go, acceptance. And a purposeful turning toward happiness. What am I doing this for (this posture, this practice, this life) if not to cultivate happiness?

Happiness can not be attached to a specific goal. Goals come and go. Success, triumph, beauty, ability are all ephemeral and so any joy that accompanies them. The trick- and it is tricky- is to find happiness through limitations, even failure. The gift of this posture for me is the opportunity to look for happiness in my failure.

Meditation on the Meditation- Eagle Pose

Though this is the last of the warm-up postures (before "party time")it also feels like the beginning of the balancing series. I struggle with balance on one foot; it does not come naturally to me and it makes me wonder why. Do I have weak muscles? Do I have vestibular difficulties? Am I just a spaz? What is up with my balance? I have not gained much insight into answers to these questions over the last year and a half.

Balance is a funny thing. Too much effort or to little makes me totter. Too much concentration, too little. . . Sometimes I'll be balancing fine and then all of a sudden. . .SPAZ! It is a delicate, ever-changing state.

So it is in life. We are always searching for balance: between work and rest, seriousness and play, sleeping and waking, eating for taste and eating for health, diligence and letting things go, taking chances and playing it safe. . . These too are in constant flux and seem impossible to obtain. We may find balance in one or two areas for a little while but then things change and we're out of balance in those areas. We may find balance in new areas or not, and then regain lost balance in old areas. Balance is in constant flux.

I love this poem:
Beware, O wanderer, the road is walking, too
said Rilke one day to no one in particular
As good poets everywhere address the six directions
If you can't bow you're dead meat. You'll break like uncooked spaghetti
Listen to the gods, they are shouting in your ear every second

This seems to be the nature of seeking balance- you are changing, the world is changing- it requires constant awareness and the willingness to change.

Eagle Pose is a reminder of the tenuousness of balance- that it can be lost at any moment.

The teachers say about balancing postures "if you fall out, you're human. If you get back in, you're a yogi!" A yogi, one who seeks union, is seeking, keeps trying even when union or balance is elusive.

So I keep practicing, keep getting back in the posture, keep living, loving, working, sleeping, waking, dreaming, holding on, letting go, trying, living, living, living.