This is the most beautiful and graceful of the postures. One friend and fellow yogini said it feels like flying. There is something dramatic and freeing and fun about it. Part of the balancing series, it doesn't trouble me the way head-to-knee does. I don't hold the same expectations for it. I fall out all the time, but I'm not frustrated by it. I find myself, during standing bow, kind of lightly dreaming of doing a beautiful standing split someday, feeling really like an arrow ready to be loosed through the sky.
It makes me think about how fickle and capricious our expectations really are. Why would I react so differently to one posture than to another? We tend to think that the things that are important to us are important for concrete objective reasons, but so much of it is emotionally driven, unconsciously (or consciously) chosen. Getting to the root of our desire, where it originates and why, can be freeing. Realizing that what we think is important is a choice and not imposed upon us can be a relief- this is not fate it is my doing. Of course then, there is the responsibility of that choice.
Standing bow is a good place to work on cultivating some of these aspects, a sense of playful dreaming, enjoying being in the moment,loving myself for what I am in that moment and letting the expectations, desires, attachments fall by the wayside. I have begun to successfully transplant that experience into other areas of my life, my consciousness. When desire, aching, longing- those pertinacious weeds!- arise, it is easier to recognize them and tenderly supplant them with these other things.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Meditation on the Meditation- Standing Head to Knee
The first in the balancing series. For me, this posture is about frustration with limitations. It's the most intimidating to look at and so makes me want to master it. I want to be able to say "I can do that." My balance has improved a bit, I think, but I have not made much progress. I can keep my leg up and parallel pretty well, pretty consistently, but I can not get my head to my knee. I lose my balance, a muscle twitches. I'm close, so close sometimes, but I just can't do it!
Of course, there are parallels I can draw off the mat as well, things I just can't do no matter how hard I try. Limitations. They exist. No one can do everything.
The question is how we respond to our limitations. Lately, my response has been frustration. Not a very effective response. Frustration can be a turning point, the point at which you can decide to keep trying (out of determination or habit) or give up.
I usually don't give up. But it's not easy to stand toe to toe with that frustration. It can make me deeply sad not to be able to do or be something I desire. That limitation can become a magnifying glass for all of my short-comings and lead to a downward spiral toward depression.
So what is an alternative? Sometimes I indulge in living in that frustration and sadness, but it consumes so much energy I can't stay there long. So, there is letting go, acceptance. And a purposeful turning toward happiness. What am I doing this for (this posture, this practice, this life) if not to cultivate happiness?
Happiness can not be attached to a specific goal. Goals come and go. Success, triumph, beauty, ability are all ephemeral and so any joy that accompanies them. The trick- and it is tricky- is to find happiness through limitations, even failure. The gift of this posture for me is the opportunity to look for happiness in my failure.
Of course, there are parallels I can draw off the mat as well, things I just can't do no matter how hard I try. Limitations. They exist. No one can do everything.
The question is how we respond to our limitations. Lately, my response has been frustration. Not a very effective response. Frustration can be a turning point, the point at which you can decide to keep trying (out of determination or habit) or give up.
I usually don't give up. But it's not easy to stand toe to toe with that frustration. It can make me deeply sad not to be able to do or be something I desire. That limitation can become a magnifying glass for all of my short-comings and lead to a downward spiral toward depression.
So what is an alternative? Sometimes I indulge in living in that frustration and sadness, but it consumes so much energy I can't stay there long. So, there is letting go, acceptance. And a purposeful turning toward happiness. What am I doing this for (this posture, this practice, this life) if not to cultivate happiness?
Happiness can not be attached to a specific goal. Goals come and go. Success, triumph, beauty, ability are all ephemeral and so any joy that accompanies them. The trick- and it is tricky- is to find happiness through limitations, even failure. The gift of this posture for me is the opportunity to look for happiness in my failure.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Meditation on the Meditation- Eagle Pose
Though this is the last of the warm-up postures (before "party time")it also feels like the beginning of the balancing series. I struggle with balance on one foot; it does not come naturally to me and it makes me wonder why. Do I have weak muscles? Do I have vestibular difficulties? Am I just a spaz? What is up with my balance? I have not gained much insight into answers to these questions over the last year and a half.
Balance is a funny thing. Too much effort or to little makes me totter. Too much concentration, too little. . . Sometimes I'll be balancing fine and then all of a sudden. . .SPAZ! It is a delicate, ever-changing state.
So it is in life. We are always searching for balance: between work and rest, seriousness and play, sleeping and waking, eating for taste and eating for health, diligence and letting things go, taking chances and playing it safe. . . These too are in constant flux and seem impossible to obtain. We may find balance in one or two areas for a little while but then things change and we're out of balance in those areas. We may find balance in new areas or not, and then regain lost balance in old areas. Balance is in constant flux.
I love this poem:
Beware, O wanderer, the road is walking, too
said Rilke one day to no one in particular
As good poets everywhere address the six directions
If you can't bow you're dead meat. You'll break like uncooked spaghetti
Listen to the gods, they are shouting in your ear every second
This seems to be the nature of seeking balance- you are changing, the world is changing- it requires constant awareness and the willingness to change.
Eagle Pose is a reminder of the tenuousness of balance- that it can be lost at any moment.
The teachers say about balancing postures "if you fall out, you're human. If you get back in, you're a yogi!" A yogi, one who seeks union, is seeking, keeps trying even when union or balance is elusive.
So I keep practicing, keep getting back in the posture, keep living, loving, working, sleeping, waking, dreaming, holding on, letting go, trying, living, living, living.
Balance is a funny thing. Too much effort or to little makes me totter. Too much concentration, too little. . . Sometimes I'll be balancing fine and then all of a sudden. . .SPAZ! It is a delicate, ever-changing state.
So it is in life. We are always searching for balance: between work and rest, seriousness and play, sleeping and waking, eating for taste and eating for health, diligence and letting things go, taking chances and playing it safe. . . These too are in constant flux and seem impossible to obtain. We may find balance in one or two areas for a little while but then things change and we're out of balance in those areas. We may find balance in new areas or not, and then regain lost balance in old areas. Balance is in constant flux.
I love this poem:
Beware, O wanderer, the road is walking, too
said Rilke one day to no one in particular
As good poets everywhere address the six directions
If you can't bow you're dead meat. You'll break like uncooked spaghetti
Listen to the gods, they are shouting in your ear every second
This seems to be the nature of seeking balance- you are changing, the world is changing- it requires constant awareness and the willingness to change.
Eagle Pose is a reminder of the tenuousness of balance- that it can be lost at any moment.
The teachers say about balancing postures "if you fall out, you're human. If you get back in, you're a yogi!" A yogi, one who seeks union, is seeking, keeps trying even when union or balance is elusive.
So I keep practicing, keep getting back in the posture, keep living, loving, working, sleeping, waking, dreaming, holding on, letting go, trying, living, living, living.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Meditation on the Meditation- Awkward Pose
In three parts, this is a long posture, but one I'm at which I'm pretty strong. It is in this posture that I begin to really "live in the muscles" and get out of my head a bit more. There are more difficult moments in these three parts, which challenge me mentally. In rising from the first and third squats I have difficulty; still building those muscles it really tests my edge not to lean forward. And coming down on my toes also makes my legs quiver. I have enough strength to do it, if my determination is also present. That will is really only required for a few moments, but it can be amazingly hard to call it into presence. I can do it, but not every time, not consistently.
It makes me think of teaching my students: one day a child might "get" a concept or work, and then "not get" it the next time. We tend to have high expectation of our children- that they are all brilliant (which is true), but that often mistranslates into they are brilliant at everything(which no one is). When they don't "get" something right away or their comprehension is evanescent, we tend to worry. Sometimes that worry is founded. Sometimes there are underlying learning issues that need to be addressed specifically. But sometimes it is the nature of learning that requires patience, patience and determination, keeping steadily at it. A child may struggle with a math concept or reading in the same way my legs quiver in awkward pose. Some days may be stronger or weaker, but with sustained determination, or at least a real intent toward determination, progress will be made over time.
For myself, determination is more easily called forth when I remind myself it is just for these three or four seconds that I have to really try. It's a question of motivation, and it is the same with children, though the form of motivation may vary. My own motivation varies; sometimes the time limit is not enough and I have to find other or additional mental prompts, like taking a quick look at the person next to me for inspiration (or even a little competition). Motivation is a moving target, for myself and with kids, as well. I need to become aware of what drives me (or my students) from moment to moment, which is another way of seeking, achieving union (yoga) with myself, or helping my students to know themselves better.
In education, part of the relatively new vernacular, borrowed from psychology, is metacognition. This is the ability to think about thinking, being aware of what and how you are feeling and thinking, with the intention of being better able to direct and manage our thinking. We talk a lot with kids about how they are feeling, what is difficult or easy for them and why they think that is. The result is, I think, that we are nurturing quite sophisticated minds. I wish we had done more of this when I was a child, but I am glad to have the opportunity now to practice this, both through teaching and through Bikram practice.
It makes me think of teaching my students: one day a child might "get" a concept or work, and then "not get" it the next time. We tend to have high expectation of our children- that they are all brilliant (which is true), but that often mistranslates into they are brilliant at everything(which no one is). When they don't "get" something right away or their comprehension is evanescent, we tend to worry. Sometimes that worry is founded. Sometimes there are underlying learning issues that need to be addressed specifically. But sometimes it is the nature of learning that requires patience, patience and determination, keeping steadily at it. A child may struggle with a math concept or reading in the same way my legs quiver in awkward pose. Some days may be stronger or weaker, but with sustained determination, or at least a real intent toward determination, progress will be made over time.
For myself, determination is more easily called forth when I remind myself it is just for these three or four seconds that I have to really try. It's a question of motivation, and it is the same with children, though the form of motivation may vary. My own motivation varies; sometimes the time limit is not enough and I have to find other or additional mental prompts, like taking a quick look at the person next to me for inspiration (or even a little competition). Motivation is a moving target, for myself and with kids, as well. I need to become aware of what drives me (or my students) from moment to moment, which is another way of seeking, achieving union (yoga) with myself, or helping my students to know themselves better.
In education, part of the relatively new vernacular, borrowed from psychology, is metacognition. This is the ability to think about thinking, being aware of what and how you are feeling and thinking, with the intention of being better able to direct and manage our thinking. We talk a lot with kids about how they are feeling, what is difficult or easy for them and why they think that is. The result is, I think, that we are nurturing quite sophisticated minds. I wish we had done more of this when I was a child, but I am glad to have the opportunity now to practice this, both through teaching and through Bikram practice.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Meditation on the Meditation- Half Moon Pose
This is the first posture in the series and so I often continue to feel anxiety about what lies ahead. Though if it has been a couple of days since my last practice my back can be so tight, I like the feeling of stratching it, side to side, backward and forward. In moving side to side. I find it very difficult to keep my hips and shoulders in alignment. It takes great focus to keep what feels like twisting my spine for more than a few seconds. This is when focusing becomes challenging. It is so much easier to not try, to just not push as hard as I can. I notice my mind beginning to search for excuses-"I'm just tired today so I'll take it easy. My back hurts. I think I'm getting a cold. I'll try harder next time."
At this pose in my practice, my biggest excuse is that I don't want to exhaust myself at the start so that I can't make it through the whole class. This is significant, I think, because it is how I have lived much of my life. With chronic fatigue, I had to budget my energy, thinking ahead about what I had to accomplish for the day or the week. There were often many things I couldn't do for fear of not being able to do the things I had to do. I still have this tendency to be parsimonious about, well, living really. I'm still working on being more open to expending energy outside my work routine- going to a movie during the week, getting together with a friend, writing something creative, starting a masters program.
I have wanted to begin a masters program in child psychology or curriculum design for several years. I read many books and articles, attend seminars, etc. But I still hesitate to commit to a formal program. I hear myself thinking "what if I get sick? What if I can't keep up? What if I become overwhelmed?" I have made progress in engaging in short term goals and projects, such as the 30 day challenge, making additional materials for my classroom, writing this journal. I hope that with more time and active thought about this block, I will be able to reach for more substantial goals.
I am using half moon to explore these feelings. By pushing myself in the safety of the room I'm hoping this will happen off the mat as well. If I push myself in half moon and can still survive the rest of the class, I think that could translate into confidence in my energy and ability in life.
At this pose in my practice, my biggest excuse is that I don't want to exhaust myself at the start so that I can't make it through the whole class. This is significant, I think, because it is how I have lived much of my life. With chronic fatigue, I had to budget my energy, thinking ahead about what I had to accomplish for the day or the week. There were often many things I couldn't do for fear of not being able to do the things I had to do. I still have this tendency to be parsimonious about, well, living really. I'm still working on being more open to expending energy outside my work routine- going to a movie during the week, getting together with a friend, writing something creative, starting a masters program.
I have wanted to begin a masters program in child psychology or curriculum design for several years. I read many books and articles, attend seminars, etc. But I still hesitate to commit to a formal program. I hear myself thinking "what if I get sick? What if I can't keep up? What if I become overwhelmed?" I have made progress in engaging in short term goals and projects, such as the 30 day challenge, making additional materials for my classroom, writing this journal. I hope that with more time and active thought about this block, I will be able to reach for more substantial goals.
I am using half moon to explore these feelings. By pushing myself in the safety of the room I'm hoping this will happen off the mat as well. If I push myself in half moon and can still survive the rest of the class, I think that could translate into confidence in my energy and ability in life.
Healthy Meals- Day 6 and 7
Day 6
Breakfast:
Oat toast and earth balance butter
Apple
Lunch:
Quinoa and zucchini soup
Snack:
Miso soup
Umboshi plum
Dinner:
Quinoa and zucchini soup
Whole wheat crackers, olives and tofu
Day 7
Breakfast:
Brown rice pudding withbalmond milk and raisins
Lunch:
Miso soup
Dinner:
Collards
Brown rice
Breakfast:
Oat toast and earth balance butter
Apple
Lunch:
Quinoa and zucchini soup
Snack:
Miso soup
Umboshi plum
Dinner:
Quinoa and zucchini soup
Whole wheat crackers, olives and tofu
Day 7
Breakfast:
Brown rice pudding withbalmond milk and raisins
Lunch:
Miso soup
Dinner:
Collards
Brown rice
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Healthy Meals- Day 5
Breakfast:
My usual
Lunch:
Quinoa and sautéed squash
Jasmine iced tea
Dinner:
Zucchini soup and quinoa
Raspberries
I picked up my CSA order- lots of new vegetables
I need to look for a recipe for carrot greens.
My usual
Lunch:
Quinoa and sautéed squash
Jasmine iced tea
Dinner:
Zucchini soup and quinoa
Raspberries
I picked up my CSA order- lots of new vegetables
I need to look for a recipe for carrot greens.
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