My Bikram Yoga Path

Meditation on the Meditation- Standing Bow

2011-08-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

This is the most beautiful and graceful of the postures. One friend and fellow yogini said it feels like flying. There is something dramatic and freeing and fun about it. Part of the balancing series, it doesn't trouble me the way head-to-knee does. I don't hold the same expectations for it. I fall out all the time, but I'm not frustrated by it. I find myself, during standing bow, kind of lightly dreaming of doing a beautiful standing split someday, feeling really like an arrow ready to be loosed through the sky.

It makes me think about how fickle and capricious our expectations really are. Why would I react so differently to one posture than to another? We tend to think that the things that are important to us are important for concrete objective reasons, but so much of it is emotionally driven, unconsciously (or consciously) chosen. Getting to the root of our desire, where it originates and why, can be freeing. Realizing that what we think is important is a choice and not imposed upon us can be a relief- this is not fate it is my doing. Of course then, there is the responsibility of that choice.

Standing bow is a good place to work on cultivating some of these aspects, a sense of playful dreaming, enjoying being in the moment,loving myself for what I am in that moment and letting the expectations, desires, attachments fall by the wayside. I have begun to successfully transplant that experience into other areas of my life, my consciousness. When desire, aching, longing- those pertinacious weeds!- arise, it is easier to recognize them and tenderly supplant them with these other things.

Meditation on the Meditation- Standing Head to Knee

2011-08-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

The first in the balancing series. For me, this posture is about frustration with limitations. It's the most intimidating to look at and so makes me want to master it. I want to be able to say "I can do that." My balance has improved a bit, I think, but I have not made much progress. I can keep my leg up and parallel pretty well, pretty consistently, but I can not get my head to my knee. I lose my balance, a muscle twitches. I'm close, so close sometimes, but I just can't do it!

Of course, there are parallels I can draw off the mat as well, things I just can't do no matter how hard I try. Limitations. They exist. No one can do everything.

The question is how we respond to our limitations. Lately, my response has been frustration. Not a very effective response. Frustration can be a turning point, the point at which you can decide to keep trying (out of determination or habit) or give up.

I usually don't give up. But it's not easy to stand toe to toe with that frustration. It can make me deeply sad not to be able to do or be something I desire. That limitation can become a magnifying glass for all of my short-comings and lead to a downward spiral toward depression.

So what is an alternative? Sometimes I indulge in living in that frustration and sadness, but it consumes so much energy I can't stay there long. So, there is letting go, acceptance. And a purposeful turning toward happiness. What am I doing this for (this posture, this practice, this life) if not to cultivate happiness?

Happiness can not be attached to a specific goal. Goals come and go. Success, triumph, beauty, ability are all ephemeral and so any joy that accompanies them. The trick- and it is tricky- is to find happiness through limitations, even failure. The gift of this posture for me is the opportunity to look for happiness in my failure.

Meditation on the Meditation- Eagle Pose

2011-08-04T19:59:00.001-07:00

Though this is the last of the warm-up postures (before "party time")it also feels like the beginning of the balancing series. I struggle with balance on one foot; it does not come naturally to me and it makes me wonder why. Do I have weak muscles? Do I have vestibular difficulties? Am I just a spaz? What is up with my balance? I have not gained much insight into answers to these questions over the last year and a half.

Balance is a funny thing. Too much effort or to little makes me totter. Too much concentration, too little. . . Sometimes I'll be balancing fine and then all of a sudden. . .SPAZ! It is a delicate, ever-changing state.

So it is in life. We are always searching for balance: between work and rest, seriousness and play, sleeping and waking, eating for taste and eating for health, diligence and letting things go, taking chances and playing it safe. . . These too are in constant flux and seem impossible to obtain. We may find balance in one or two areas for a little while but then things change and we're out of balance in those areas. We may find balance in new areas or not, and then regain lost balance in old areas. Balance is in constant flux.

I love this poem:
Beware, O wanderer, the road is walking, too
said Rilke one day to no one in particular
As good poets everywhere address the six directions
If you can't bow you're dead meat. You'll break like uncooked spaghetti
Listen to the gods, they are shouting in your ear every second

This seems to be the nature of seeking balance- you are changing, the world is changing- it requires constant awareness and the willingness to change.

Eagle Pose is a reminder of the tenuousness of balance- that it can be lost at any moment.

The teachers say about balancing postures "if you fall out, you're human. If you get back in, you're a yogi!" A yogi, one who seeks union, is seeking, keeps trying even when union or balance is elusive.

So I keep practicing, keep getting back in the posture, keep living, loving, working, sleeping, waking, dreaming, holding on, letting go, trying, living, living, living.

Meditation on the Meditation- Awkward Pose

2011-07-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

In three parts, this is a long posture, but one I'm at which I'm pretty strong. It is in this posture that I begin to really "live in the muscles" and get out of my head a bit more. There are more difficult moments in these three parts, which challenge me mentally. In rising from the first and third squats I have difficulty; still building those muscles it really tests my edge not to lean forward. And coming down on my toes also makes my legs quiver. I have enough strength to do it, if my determination is also present. That will is really only required for a few moments, but it can be amazingly hard to call it into presence. I can do it, but not every time, not consistently.

It makes me think of teaching my students: one day a child might "get" a concept or work, and then "not get" it the next time. We tend to have high expectation of our children- that they are all brilliant (which is true), but that often mistranslates into they are brilliant at everything(which no one is). When they don't "get" something right away or their comprehension is evanescent, we tend to worry. Sometimes that worry is founded. Sometimes there are underlying learning issues that need to be addressed specifically. But sometimes it is the nature of learning that requires patience, patience and determination, keeping steadily at it. A child may struggle with a math concept or reading in the same way my legs quiver in awkward pose. Some days may be stronger or weaker, but with sustained determination, or at least a real intent toward determination, progress will be made over time.

For myself, determination is more easily called forth when I remind myself it is just for these three or four seconds that I have to really try. It's a question of motivation, and it is the same with children, though the form of motivation may vary. My own motivation varies; sometimes the time limit is not enough and I have to find other or additional mental prompts, like taking a quick look at the person next to me for inspiration (or even a little competition). Motivation is a moving target, for myself and with kids, as well. I need to become aware of what drives me (or my students) from moment to moment, which is another way of seeking, achieving union (yoga) with myself, or helping my students to know themselves better.

In education, part of the relatively new vernacular, borrowed from psychology, is metacognition. This is the ability to think about thinking, being aware of what and how you are feeling and thinking, with the intention of being better able to direct and manage our thinking. We talk a lot with kids about how they are feeling, what is difficult or easy for them and why they think that is. The result is, I think, that we are nurturing quite sophisticated minds. I wish we had done more of this when I was a child, but I am glad to have the opportunity now to practice this, both through teaching and through Bikram practice.

Meditation on the Meditation- Half Moon Pose

2011-07-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

This is the first posture in the series and so I often continue to feel anxiety about what lies ahead. Though if it has been a couple of days since my last practice my back can be so tight, I like the feeling of stratching it, side to side, backward and forward. In moving side to side. I find it very difficult to keep my hips and shoulders in alignment. It takes great focus to keep what feels like twisting my spine for more than a few seconds. This is when focusing becomes challenging. It is so much easier to not try, to just not push as hard as I can. I notice my mind beginning to search for excuses-"I'm just tired today so I'll take it easy. My back hurts. I think I'm getting a cold. I'll try harder next time."

At this pose in my practice, my biggest excuse is that I don't want to exhaust myself at the start so that I can't make it through the whole class. This is significant, I think, because it is how I have lived much of my life. With chronic fatigue, I had to budget my energy, thinking ahead about what I had to accomplish for the day or the week. There were often many things I couldn't do for fear of not being able to do the things I had to do. I still have this tendency to be parsimonious about, well, living really. I'm still working on being more open to expending energy outside my work routine- going to a movie during the week, getting together with a friend, writing something creative, starting a masters program.

I have wanted to begin a masters program in child psychology or curriculum design for several years. I read many books and articles, attend seminars, etc. But I still hesitate to commit to a formal program. I hear myself thinking "what if I get sick? What if I can't keep up? What if I become overwhelmed?" I have made progress in engaging in short term goals and projects, such as the 30 day challenge, making additional materials for my classroom, writing this journal. I hope that with more time and active thought about this block, I will be able to reach for more substantial goals.

I am using half moon to explore these feelings. By pushing myself in the safety of the room I'm hoping this will happen off the mat as well. If I push myself in half moon and can still survive the rest of the class, I think that could translate into confidence in my energy and ability in life.

Healthy Meals- Day 6 and 7

2011-07-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

Day 6
Breakfast:
Oat toast and earth balance butter
Apple

Lunch:
Quinoa and zucchini soup

Snack:
Miso soup
Umboshi plum

Dinner:
Quinoa and zucchini soup
Whole wheat crackers, olives and tofu

Day 7
Breakfast:
Brown rice pudding withbalmond milk and raisins

Lunch:
Miso soup

Dinner:
Collards
Brown rice

Healthy Meals- Day 5

2011-07-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:
My usual

Lunch:
Quinoa and sautéed squash
Jasmine iced tea

Dinner:
Zucchini soup and quinoa
Raspberries

I picked up my CSA order- lots of new vegetables
I need to look for a recipe for carrot greens.

A Meditation on the Meditation

2011-07-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Yoga is a moving meditation, a meditation on the body and its relation to the heart and mind. It is also a kind confrontation with personal limitations or perceived limitations. It can become a physical catharsis of emotional pain or trauma. At the same time it can be very comforting. The experiences from posture to posture are so complex they are difficult to put it into words, so ephemeral they are difficult to recall after the posture is over.

However, I'd like to attempt to begin to bring these to conscious light, to examine them in a different way.

I'll start at the beginning with pranayama breathing. This often brings with it an emotional recollection of all beginnings: the beginning of the school year, beginning a new book, a new friendship, a drive to an unfamiliar place, a new job. These usually elicit in me some nervous excitement, the thrill of adventure, curiosity about what is to come. The greater part of the feeling, however, is usually pure anxiety and sometimes panic: can I do it? (the practice, the school year, the drive), will I embarass myself?, oh,my god, this is going to be too hard!, don't want to do this after all- what was I thinking?, will I get hurt?

It doesn't help that, because it is at the beginning of class, I am stiff and my muscles cold, so that some of my doubts are reinforced by signals from my body. My neck hurts moving back and down over and over. My center of balance is elusive: are my hips in the right place? Is my back straight?, am I collapsing my rib cage (even though I'm focusing hard on lengthening my spine)? Am I holding my stomach in enough?

I also think about the class ahead. I want to get as much out of it as I can, so there is the pressure to "succeed" which is self-imposed as well as a desire sometimes to please the teacher- that need for external validation. I feel that more strongly with some teachers than with others. (But I'll save an examination of teacher-student relationship for another time. It requires and deserves it's own exploration, as I learn more about myself, not only as a student, but also as a teacher.)

As these doubts and desires bubble to the surface, so also am I trying to acknowledge, honor them and then let them go, to replace them with non-judgement, non-attachment. I am also consciously trying to replace them with positive messages to myself, positive thought.

Because I have a family history, as well as my own history of depression, my mind is deeply canalized for negative thought- it comes very easily to me and I can slip very quickly into those patterns of doubt, anxiety, frustration. As I begin and move through pranayama, throughout the entire practice, really, I try to remember this. I say to myself "now I a canalizing for happiness." I am trying to make new neural pathways for joy, acceptance, openness, curiosity.

In that spirit, I meet those familiar negative thoughts, recognize them and try to let them go. Of course, this a constant back-and-forth conversation. It's not a matter of winning the argument- positive thoughts vs negative thought- it is the importance of the conversation itself.

Another aspect of pranayama is, of course, the actual breathing, expanding lung capacity, gaining energy through breath, living in the breath. For me, though this doesn't always present itself as conscious thought, it is extraordinarily powerful nonetheless, as it calls out memories of both my mom and dad, who both died of lung related illness. As I breath deeply, looking at myself in the mirror, some part of me is recalling their deaths, their individual journeys, the pain and loss, the peace and release. I'm also looking into the face of my own mortality. I began and continue my practice because I want to live a long and healthy life and honor that lesson my parents gave me about making responsible choices and taking responsibility for my own health.

But I will die one day. Throughout the year following my mom's death, that reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I would stop on the stairs or getting out of my car or in the middle of a staff meeting and the thought of dying, specifically of Not Being one day anymore, would clench my heart and lungs like a vise. I found some books that lent me some perspective and made it possible for me to think very deeply about my own death without panicking and even with a great reverence for it. These thoughts, in one form or another, also arise during pranayama. And that's just the beginning of practice!

In the next post, I'll examine half-moon pose.

Heathy Eating- Day 4

2011-07-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:
My standby, oatmeal with raisins
Roma, grain beverage

Lunch:
Leftover korma
Miso soup

Dinner:
Quinoa and the last of the korma

Healthy Meals Day 3

2011-07-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:
Oatmeal cooked with coconut milk with raisins and agave syrup
Oat toast with earth balance butter

Lunch:
Cucumber and beet salad with nayonaisse
Jasmine iced tea
Pickled radish

Snack:
Miso soup with shitake, tofu and kombu

Dinner:
vegetable korma
Non dairy chocolate pudding

Feeling a bit sore from double yoga class yesterday. Its a good sore but Robin suggested doing a double just once a week. Will do!

Healthy Meals- Day 2

2011-07-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:
Slow cooked oatmeal with almond milk and raisins
Lots of water with Emergen-C to prepare for a double yoga practice this afternoon.

Lunch:
Cucumber and tomato sandwich with dairy free mayo and sour cream on toasted oat bread.
One peach

Im planning on yoga at 4:30 and again at 6:30. I'm working on building endurance. I'm also trying to get more out of a single trip to Danbury, thinking about mileage and money.

Dinner:
I'm planning on left-over korma- I made so much. I'll probably have enough for tomorrow, as well.

10 pm:
I did successfully complete two yoga classes. Starting the second class was a little daunting and I was shaky, but I continued and finished strong. I felt wonderful after the second class!

Just Because It's Outside My Comfort Zone Doesn't Mean I SHOULD Do It

2011-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

Recently I was offered the chance to teach a small informal yoga class for some of my husbands's colleagues. It was flattering to be considered and I was glad that others were feeling curious about yoga and its possible benefits. To be able to inspire others about yoga through teaching would be exciting and gratifying- to spread my love of yoga. I am a teacher and I do practice yoga- I could do it. It would be outside my comfort zone a little in that I would be teaching adults and teaching something I haven't taught before to any great extent. It would be an opportunity to reach past my comfort zone. I'm curious about teaching yoga anyway- could it be something I could do more than part time?

However, I thought very deeply about the chance to teach this group and something was making me hesitate. Yes, it was a little uncomfortable, but I could work throughout that. I've been pushing my limitations and trying new things; I'm comfortable with being uncomfortable. At one point I had decided to go ahead and try it, thinking my hesitation was about feeling uncomfortable and I even felt pretty good about that choice- that I was meeting this opportunity and challenge. But later that night my concern grew quickly and acutely- I changed my mind and decided not to do it; that immediately felt like the right choice.

After some more thought, I realized that my choice was based on a deep respect for yoga. That teaching it, like teaching Montessori, requires the support of a complete and comprehensive pedagogy, including extensive training in the understanding and practice of the philosophy and strategy. Even for such a small beginners' group, those practioners deserve the same level of competency from their teacher as an advanced group does.

It has set me to thinking more about teaching yoga as a real possibility. I will keep meditating on that, make some pros and cons lists, think about how it might fit into or shape my life, talk with my husband . . . Maybe sometime down the road it will be something I will decide to do, with all the support of a proper training.

Healthy Meals Day 1

2011-07-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:
pc of organic whole grain oat toast with Earth Balance non dairy butter
Bowl of hot oatmeal with almond milk and agave syrup

Lunch:
Pickled radishes
Bowl of miso soup with tofu, shitake mushrooms, kombu and rice
Raw green beans

Dinner:
Grilled corn on the cob
Vegetable korma
Made with coconut milk, curry paste, zucchini, beet greens, shredded carrot, white beans and rice.

Dessert:
Chocolate mousse
Made with dairy free, grain sweetened chocolate, silken tofu, dairy free sour cream and a handful of raspberries.

Supporting My Practice (and my Path) with Healthful (and indulgent) Eating

2011-07-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

In December Some friends introduced me to the film "Forks Over Knives," about the health risks inherent in consuming animal protein. I won't outline the arguments here, but would encourage anyone and everyone to see this compelling and convincing documentary. I left the theater thinking very seriously of converting from vegetarian to vegan, or assuming a completely plant-based diet. I did cut way back on dairy consumtion, but it was not until after reading "Eating Animals" by Jonathan Safran Foer that I could no longer, in good conscience, eat animal products. The horrors of factory farming, the abject cruelty inflicted on the animals, the damage to the environment- and the undeniable human health risks- made me realize that for myself, eggs for breakfast or a big glass of milk were no longer options.

Thankfully, I was supported by friends on the same path and had great people to help me process all of these new realizations- and to suggest a good non-hydrogenated, dairy-free butter spread. They gave me books and blogs and shared their own weaknesses and temptations- mostly cheese! Throughout the final months of school I got by very well on brown rice, lentils, whatever vegetables I could get my hands on, tofu and miso soup. These I would eat very simply, steamed or quickly sauteed. But with all the great books and websites, I was so excited for summer and the time to try some different things.

Now that I'm in full summer mode, I've begun indulging in some of these foods. Many ideas come from Alicia Silverstone's book "The Kind Diet" but I find I'm using it so far just as inspiration, taking a recipe as a jumping off point to use what I have on hand. (I just picked up our first CSA order, supporting a small farm instead coporations at the roots of the big Factory farms)

In my next posts I'll share a journal of a week of good eating.

30 Day Challenge- 14 Day Break- 1st Day Back

2011-07-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

Starting in May I began a 30-day challenge. I had successfully completed a challenge last summer before school resumed and it felt like a great accomplishment.I felt so strong and ready to begin another school year. This more recent challenge was different. I was doing it during the school year- and during one of the busiest times, the end-of-year crunch. I knew it would be truly a challenge but I was ready for it. I wanted to push myself outside my comfort zone, I wanted to finish the school year with vigor, enthusiasm and joy.

One of the most challenging aspects of doing yoga every day was simply making the time for it and actually getting to the studio. I had after-school meetings, was finishing writing student reports and planning end-of-year activities for both students and colleagues. However, I managed to take some later practices and the weather and traffic were cooperative for the most part.

Of course, there was the challenge of the actual yoga as well. There were days, especially in the first couple of weeks, when I just felt (I hate to say it, because I consider this something I USED TO say) tired. The late classes made my days very long and I wasn't getting as much sleep- though I slept beautifully! Then I remembered that during my first yoga challenge I needed to add some sea vegetables to my diet to replenish all the minerals I was losing. I added a bowl or two of miso soup with kombu to my diet each day and I quickly felt better.

By the last week of my challenge I knew I was going to make it and I was feeling strong and happy- so happy! I even took on an extra project at school- organizing a fruit table for our school's field day. It was an idea I had after one of the practitioners at my studio share some chilled watermelon with everyone after class. It was the most delicious thing I ever ate. I thought it would be such a refreshing, nutritious snack to offer the hot, sweaty, hard working kids and teachers on field day. Parents donated and helped to serve strawberries, oranges, watermelon, blueberries and cantaloup. It was very appreciated- just like the watermelon I had after practice!

I did finish the challenge successfully and then my husband and I left for vacation in the Yucatan. I felt certain I wouldn't get sick this time- as I usually do when we travel. After all I was feeling strong from yoga practice and I was eating so well. I didn't think I was feeling proud, but maybe I was. When I got heat exhaustion- of all things!- I was humbled and disappointed. My back hurt from laying in bed and my stomach was in knots. I slept on and off for the better part of three days. I tried to be gentle with myself and allow that my body and I are on a journey, that healing and achieving health takes time. But I was still disappointed and still am a little, I must admit. Also, I just did not like feeling so sick. I've been sick so much of my life. After feeling so wonderful, I didn't want to go back to feeling that way- weak and sad and withdrawn- I didn't want to do anything, nothing interested me, I had no desire even to dream of things I want to do. Well, I am feeling better now, more my new self. I plan to talk with a doctor or nutritionist about what I can do in the future when I travel to improve my chances of staying healthy for the WHOLE trip. Maybe there is something I can do. When we got back home, I felt relief and an almost giddy gratitude for being home. We live in such a beautiful place and I just walked around our yard and house for a whole day just looking at furniture and pictures and hills and deer and baby rabbits- and hugging William, our cat. I suppose I wouldn't have felt that as strongly if I hadn't gotten so sick. And I could resume my yoga practice!

It had been two weeks since my last practice and I was excited but a little nervous about how it might go, especially after being really inactive for several days. After talking with Robin, I decided to be curious rather than nervous- and off I went to the studio. I was a little shaky at first, but I soon felt my body opening up in ways it hasn't before. I was surprised at how far and with what relative ease I could get into some postures. And my stamina was great; I felt alert and strong. I had had a headache and by the end of class that was gone. It felt like a great big AAAHHH!!! for my whole body! I mentioned to the teacher after class that it was my first class in two weeks and that I felt great. She said that it can be helpful to rest after a 30 day challenge. She was right!

A Year of Bikram Practice

2011-03-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

It was this time last March that I began my yoga practice. So much has changed for me. I am stronger, healthier, happier, more energetic, more connected with myself and others.

Inspired by my practice, I take better care of myself overall. I have adopted a vegan diet to support all the hard work I do in the yoga classes. ("Forks Over Knives" is an excellent and compelling documentary on the benefits of a plant-based diet and the risks of animal protein. www.forksoverknives.com Also, Jonathan Safran Foer's book Eating Animals presents a well-researched, thoughtful account of the horrors of factory farming and the moral reasons for a vegan diet.)

I challenge myself more often to "leave my comfort zone," not just on the mat but in life. I started a blog! Something I had never considered doing! I more easily enter and initiate unnecessary conversations- which may not sound like a great stride, but being an introvert, it is for me. I let things go that may have bothered me. My control over every aspect of my days is more relaxed.

I have made progress in my practice itself. I've lost 25 pounds (though that was not part of my motivation to begin- or continue- yoga). I can sometimes get my head to my knee in standing head to knee (though I still need to work on exiting gracefully!), I can sit lower in eagle, I can sometimes get my head to the floor in separate leg stretching, I can sometime balance for a moment in toe stand. There are also innumerable other ways I have progressed that aren't as easy to measure: I feel more balanced in standing bow (though I still fall out), I feel different and deeper stretches in triangle, fixed-firm, camel- really all of the postures.

As I revel in the changes of the past year, I look forward to the year ahead and the challenges and rewards of another 12 months of Bikram practice.

The Doldrums and the Ecstasy

2011-03-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

This is usually the time of year when I quietly recite to myself the poetry of Dorothy Parker or Emily Dickinson. . . "pain has an element of blank- it can not recollect when it begun or if there was a time when it was not-" As usual, it is not easy this year. However, I have not needed Dorothy and Emily as much. The dark thoughts are much less possessive of me and I feel more hopeful than usual.

I had a strong class last night, and lately practice has taken on a more meditative, reflective quality. Though it is always a "90-minute moving meditation" I have experienced it as much deeper the past few times. My mind has felt more settled and quiet. I have made progress in several postures, as well. Toe stand, standing head to knee and standing separate leg stretching pose.

It is easy this time of year to give in to the doldrums of winter, the stagnation and temptation to hibernate. But the tremendous happiness and sense of accomplishment, the ecstasy of finishing a Bikram yoga class keeps me from burrowing in completely.

Toe Stand and Love

2011-02-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I successfully did toe stand!

This is a posture I have not given much attention, partly because I've felt so far away from achieving it. I could often get down on my heel and could maybe raise one hand off the floor- but after that I wobbled all over, side to side and back and forth.

But today- I'm not sure what happened. . . I felt new strength in my toes to lift up off my heel a little. Then I just though about sitting up straight and tall. Before I knew it I had both hands in prayer. Then I lifted my gaze to see (a little disbelievingly) myself sitting in a very respectable toe stand!

I only did it once and it may not happen again right away (or maybe it will), but I was happily amazed at myself. My friend Robin told me to have faith, determination, self-control, concentration and patience, patience, patience.

I've been practicing now for almost a year and I would count this as a fairly short period of time to have achieved, not just toe stand, but all I have gained: happiness, strength, flexibility in body and mind, a new appreciation, respect and admiration for my own body- a body I have treated with varying degrees of neglect or disdain for much of my life. Someone said "with regular Bikram practice you will fall in love with your body." When I first started, I thought "Well, I may make peace with my body or come to some polite agreement with my body- but love? Hmmm . . ." I do feel that love now- that admiration for what my body is capable of doing, a deep appreciation for the responsibility my body has to sally me through my days. For the first time I even see beauty in it.

Achieving toe stand today was like sharing a secret valentine with myself.

Comfortable with Uncertainty

2011-02-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

This month has been full of snow and all of the disruptions that weather brings with it- snow days, delayed openings and early closings at school, treacherous driving and canceled yoga classes. Pre-Bikram, these last minute changes in routine and the uncertainty that accompanies it would have been a tremendous source of stress for me. It occurred to me when we had a change of teacher in the middle of practice (on two occasions) and a teacher's puppy making faces at us through the door, that I have become much more adaptable to distractions and disruptions. Usually, the children at school are very discombobulated by an on-again, off-again schedule, but they haven't been. I know I feel much more que sera sera about it myself and maybe they're responding to that. This adaptability and more relaxed attitude is one more thing I think I owe to my Bikram practice.

Plus- it is helping mitigate the back and shoulder strain from shoveling all this snow!

Favorite Inspirational Words from Teachers

2011-01-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

You are doing something that is so good for you.

Coming here today was a great decision.

Thank yourself for coming here today.

You are stronger than you think you are. Don't give up on yourself.

No judgment, no attachment. . .

If you fall out, get back in. Don't give up.

Suffer 90 minutes in here so you don't suffer 90 years in life.

Smile. It's just yoga in a hot room.

Struggle more, try harder.

Find your edge and hold it.

Go where you haven't gone before in your practice. Go to a new place in your practice. If you stay in your comfort zone you'll never know what you can do.

This is supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be uncomfortable.

After this everything else seems easy.

Healing your body, using your body. . .

Day by day, millimeter by millimeter you are improving yourself, changing your body.

Focus on your breath.

Days Without Yoga

2011-01-13T05:58:00.000-08:00

The realities of winter have have settled in like the snow over everything. Backaches from shoveling, head colds and snowstorms! These have kept me from yoga for four days now.

My lower back was so stiff and sore just getting in and out of a chair was a challenge. I was concerned that I had done some permanent damage, but after a couple of days it felt better (until the next storm). I have to admit that I was afraid of doing any stretching in yoga, that it might make it worse. Now I know it will pass and I will just have to be respectful that "my edge" is not where it usually is and not push too hard.

A cold laid me low as well- I felt too dizzy to drive, so no yoga again. Also, I broke my no-sick-days streak and feel disappointed about that. And of course the snow kept me away another day- along with everyone else. Finally, tonight I have a school obligation that can't be moved around so this is the fourth day without practice.

It has been about five months since I've gone for more than 2 days without practice, so it has been a good run. It is just necessary to adjust my expectations a bit, or perhaps let them go, doing what I can when I can. I plan to practice tomorrow evening and I know I'll appreciate it all the more for missing it these few days.

Working Out Emotional Stress in Class

2011-01-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how much my emotional state can impact my practice. Different strong emotions produce very different results. When I'm angry, irritated or frustrated I tend to have a strong practice with lots of energy. As I move through the postures, I feel driven and strong- sometimes I think I even push myself too hard. I have to be careful not to overdo it. After class my frustration is definitely mollified, the problem- whatever it was- seems more manageable and less overwhelming.

Sadness is much harder to work through- it makes me feel weak and tired. It can be surprisingly dramatic; my muscles hurt and shake under much less effort than a usual class. I feel as though I just want to stay in savasana even during pranayama breathing. I want to cry and sometimes I do. Class seems to last forever- I just want it to be over. It takes tremendous effort to push through. Staying with my breath helps; letting feelings arise and drift away on their own helps. After class, I might have an emotional outburst on the way home, but it feels like a relief- like I've been holding on to something too tightly and then let it go.

The yoga seems to act as a catalyst for the processing of my emotions and giving those difficult emotions a place to burn up their energy.

January 30-Day Challenge

2010-12-31T16:56:00.000-08:00

I was not able to do the 30-day challenge offered in June, but I did my own in August. It was exhilarating to finish successfully- I even did two classes in a row on my final day! It was a challenge and there were days I had to make myself go, but the really worrisome aspect of it was not getting to the class on time- traffic was my concern.

There is a challenge coming in January and I would love to participate. The main obstacles for this challenge for me are traffic, weather and work obligations. I could do a couple of things to minimize the obstacles such as leave early to manage delays from traffic. I could talk to people at work to see if I could leave early or take a personal day to help me achieve my goal. I can't do anything about the weather, but neither can anyone else.

The other option is to just come as often as I can. What should I do?

A Semester With no Sick Days

2010-12-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

Today marks the first time I have made it through an entire semester with no sick days!

I admit that I've had a cough and congestion for several days; I even lost my voice for a bit. But I feel well, energetic and happy. Consistent practice has kept my symptoms from worsening and has buoyed my strength and spirit. It feels so good to be in that hot room on these cold days, to get my circulation flowing and to know I'll feel even better after class.

I'm very grateful for my practice and the improvement in my overall health.

Focus, Attention, Concentration

2010-12-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

As a teacher of 6-9 year-old children, I'm always saying "pay attention," "concentrate," "focus on what you're doing." It is a consistent mantra throughout the school-day. I know a little about brain development which helps me understand why children at this age need so much help in this area. The frontal cortex, which is responsible for such executive functions as organization, attention, impulse control, is one of the last parts of the brain to fully myelinate. Recent studies conclude that it isn't fully developed until a person reaches their mid-twenties (hence all the "unwise" decisions people tend to make before their mid-twenties.) Young children then have great difficulty in these cognitive areas, simply because the hardware isn't fully developed in their brains. As a teacher and adult in the lives of young children, I often feel like a surrogate frontal lobe to them, curbing their impulses, helping them make good decisions. I'm generally considered to be very organized; I'm good at planning ahead, foreseeing outcomes of various situations. I have excellent executive function capabilities- or so I thought.

The standing series of Bikram postures calls for intense concentration, even more than it calls for strength or flexibility. When I move through these postures, I feel and look like a weeble-wobble. I teeter and fall out of standing head-to-knee and bow several times. Even the ten seconds of stick is hard for me. I've come to realize how fragile attention can be- the slightest thing can become a distraction- a drop of sweat on my cheek, someone moving next to me, moving my eyes a fraction of an inch. The distractions can come from the inside as well- a negative thought, a doubt, even a moment of pride ("I'm doing it!"). I see this with my young students- a dangling necklace, a new pencil, a falling out with a friend- these can become a morning-long distraction for some children. I thought I was beyond this myself with my fully developed frontal cortex.

But for me, Bikram is still hard. It takes my whole brain to do it, working very intensely. My brain is therefore more vulnerable to distractions and less able to manage the constant impulses to be doing anything else but the hard work of the yoga posture. The standing series has given me the perspective of my students in a very real way. They are doing very hard work that taxes their already limited attentional capabilities. The yoga has allowed me to slip into their brains and face the same attentional challenges.

We are working on building our focus and concentration, my students and I, in a few ways. We practice meditation about 4 times a week in our classroom, sitting still and listening to a meditation story or focusing on our breathing. During work time the children use a variety of strategies to hone their attention: noise-blocking headphones, sitting alone or silent timers for example. And they have me and my assistant to give them feedback, raising their awareness of their own actions. During Bikram practice, I'm trying to give myself the same kind of feedback to raise my awareness of what I'm doing and thinking. This meta-cognition- thinking about thinking- can help improve skills in many areas. I hope it will eventually help my balancing series.

Finally, I think improving focus takes a tremendous amount of patience. Like many people, I tend to be less patient with myself than with other people. I want to do a perfect bow position- and I want to do it now! I want to get my forehead to my knee today! I'm not there yet. But I hope to be. With patience and perseverance I think my ability to concentrate will improve. Someday. . . I will achieve a beautiful balancing series.

To Sit Out a Posture or Not To Sit Out a Posture

2010-12-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

Now that I've been practicing for 9 months and have established some discipline in working through difficult moments in class, I'm experimenting with sitting out a posture now and then. Some teachers encourage it, especially with new students, reasoning that it is better to do all the postures you can but to do them the best that you can. If you're just flopping through, you're not getting the full benefits.

I've found it difficult to sit out postures, even early on, when I felt I HAD to or I'd pass out. It's hard for me to sit by, thinking about not keeping up and missing out on the benefits of the posture I'm not doing. It's also difficult to physically get back in the rhythm. Sitting down during the standing series and then getting back up can make me feel even more light-headed than I felt before. If I feel light-headed after a standing posture, I've found that often the next posture will help me recover. For example, I'm very dizzy after stick position, but the following forward bend brings the circulation back to my head, neck and shoulders and makes me feel better almost instantly.

Nevertheless, I have wanted to explore the difficulties I have sitting out a posture, particularly the feelings of not keeping up, being left behind, not getting everything I can out of each class. When I sit out, I try to keep focused on myself, but I'm interested in what other people are doing. I do take a few moments to look around the room and see if there isn't something I could learn from one of the other students. Then I focus on myself and just try to breathe through the uncomfortable thoughts that come up, in the same way I'm learning to breathe through uncomfortable moments in postures.

After a Challenging Day

2010-12-03T05:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I really pondered about whether to go to yoga or not. I was busy the day before and have commitments today that prevent me from going, so that would mean three days without yoga. However, I was feeling defeated after a long week and a particularly tough day and just wanted to curl up under the covers away from the world.

I told my husband about being conflicted and he said "[if you go to yoga] maybe it will wake you up and make you feel better." His support encouraged me and I went. I had a great class. Some feelings bubbled up during practice and I was almost tearful at times but I worked through them. Afterward, I did feel better and more energized. If I had just gone home and to bed early, I might have continued to feel defeated and overwhelmed.

Bikram Yoga and Mental Health

2010-12-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

One of the first positive changes I noticed when I started practicing was a brighter mood. I felt less overwhelmed by the responsibilities in my life (though they certainly haven't lessened) and less anxious and depressed. I've had lots of good things in my life, but only islands of real happiness or contentment in a sea of worry. I came to realize, as I practiced, that I had been mildly depressed for most of my adult life. But that now I no longer felt the same way- I was. . . happy.

A psychologist at a recent conference told the audience that current research is showing that regular exercise can be as effective as medication for treating depression in some cases. This exercise has certainly proven to be an effective treatment for me.

Bikram instructors often say "yoga is the only exercise through which you actually gain energy rather than spend it." I've tried other types of exercise: running, hiking, other types of yoga. This yoga is the one that has given me more energy and improved my mood.

I think it has also lent me a certain flexibility of thought that I didn't have before. They call the series of postures and breathing exercises a "90 minute moving meditation." It is so intense that it requires a focus which blocks all other thoughts. I've tried to think about other things during class- what am I going to do about this problem? What's my next step in that situation?- but I can't hold on to them. They quickly slip away as I struggle to control my breath and move into the next posture. Throughout the classes, the teachers fill our ears with motivation as they push us to try harder. They say things like "struggling is good, this is supposed to hurt, you're stronger than you think you are, struggle harder, don't give up, thank yourself for coming, you're doing something so good for yourself, the more you put into this class the more you'll get out of it."

I think that in this meditative state, the mind is much more open to accepting these affirmations. I don't know, but I wonder what is going on in the brain at this time. It seems that the brain is primed in this state to change chemically or neurologically. This greater mental flexibility carries into the rest of my life- I'm not as easily rattled by change. I'm not as easily irritated or frustrated by situations I can't control.

I find myself recalling these affirmations at different times during my days- particularly "don't give up and struggle harder."

Time Management and Bikram Yoga

2010-11-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I hesitated to begin a regular Bikram practice for so long was the enormous time commitment. The class is 90 minutes. It takes me 30 minutes from home and 45 minutes from work to get to the studio. I can't really work in errands after a class because I have to get home and shower. So, all told, it is about 3 hours of my day.

Once I began practicing, I did have to make adjustments to my schedule. All of which I was more willing and much more easily able to do than I first thought possible.

First, I found I didn't need 10-12 hours of sleep anymore. 8 or 9, with an occasional 10 hours was fine- and much closer to what I've heard is a normal amount of sleep. Second, I stopped watching as much t.v. (I was addicted to HGTV and the History Channel). Now I only watch a couple of shows I really like- and I can watch them on Hulu so I don't have to think about scheduling around them. Third, I let some things go- I don't clean my house quite as often (I am fortunate to have a helpful husband and I still manage to do my part- just not on a schedule), I only check my email once a night. I was concerned that my work might suffer, but that I actually have more time for because I have the energy to invest. So trading some time for energy and giving up certain not-good-for-me-anyway activities, has made it possible to make that 3-hour time commitment.

I practice 4-5 times/ wk, but the days and times I go fluctuate a lot. My guidelines for myself are that I do three days in a row as often as I can and that I don't go for more than two days without a practice- and I try not to have too many two-day breaks too often. This gives me flexibility in my schedule so that if I have a meeting that goes late or an evening commitment, I can relax (at least about getting to yoga) knowing that I have tomorrow to go. Having my guidelines keeps me on track though, as I could otherwise spend a lot of energy deciding whether or not to go to a class, coming up with excuses, feeling guilty about not going- and then regretful that I didn't go.

I have never regretted going to a class- even the ones that were hardest for me- but each class I have opted out of "just because" I really have regretted missing. It felt like a great opportunity lost.

My responsibilities are not the same as the next person's and my solutions for managing the time commitment won't necessarily work for anybody else. But one concept Bikram addresses and demonstrates consistently is becoming flexible in your thought as well as in your body. It asks you to move out of your comfort zone, try things that are uncomfortable or hard for you, redefine what is possible for yourself. If something is stopping you from beginning a practice- or doing anything you want to in life- ask yourself what it is and then just begin to look at it differently- like "This is something I can change" instead of "This is just the way it is. I can't change it." There's a line I use as positive self-talk "What if we just acted like everything was easy?" For me this line helps me shift my thought- it's subtle, but effective- to a more positive, lighter point of view. I have spent a lot of time and energy thinking about how hard everything is- this line gives me permission to let go of that perspective. This line doesn't make it harder by demanding that I look at things differently; it just supposes "what if?" And it doesn't say "you can make everything easy;" it just says "what if we tried acting like it's easy." I've read that smiling when you're sad can physiologically improve your mood; I think this is the same thing.

Responsibilities present real challenges that can't be simply mantra-ed away, certainly- at least not right away. I don't have children of my own but I know women with children who struggle to find the time for Bikram (or any time for themselves.) I would just urge you to keep looking for solutions- a babysitter, a neighbor- if your children are old enough, take them with you. Start by setting your intention to look at what might be holding you back. One thing to consider: It's doesn't have to be selfish to make the time for Bikram- you could think about it this way- you take care of yourself, so that you can take care of the others in your life. You become a positive role model in yet one more way to your children, showing them the importance of taking care of your body and mind, taking responsibility for yourself and empowering yourself.

Bikram practice has been a big time investment for me, but the yields have been and continue to be tremendous.

Recovering From a Cold

2010-11-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Before Bikram, I was almost always sick. I would have colds that lasted days or a week or longer. Just when I felt a bit better I'd get some other cold or flu. Since beginning Bikram yoga I've had very few colds. When I do get them they last only a day or so and the symptoms are much less severe.

I've found that going to class near the onset of symptoms of a cold makes me feel better by the next day. I've had that experience once a few months ago and again this week.

A busy weekend after a long period (a month) of working without taking a day off was too much for me, I think.* Yesterday I began feeling a scratchy throat and headache, stiff muscles and congestion. I went to class this morning and struggled through- it seemed extra hot (which was good for my achy muscles, but hard for breathing) and I felt tired and weaker than usual. I needed to sit out one posture one time and I felt lighted headed almost from pranayama breathing, but I persevered, knowing I would feel better later. I did all of the postures (except one set of balancing stick) as best I could, without getting too lighted headed. My recovery was much longer than usual- I needed to stay in final savasana for almost 10 minutes and felt tired immediately after class. But after a shower and a good lunch, I was able to do all of my pre-Thanksgiving errands and now I feel almost completely recovered and well again.

I'm careful, when I'm not feeling well, to not share my germs with others in class. I just keep to myself a bit more and don't touch anything but my own belongings.

*One thing I've had to adjust to is the change in my energy level. It is far greater since beginning Bikram, but still I can push myself too hard. I'm able to accomplish much more with less effort, exhaustion and fuss. Still, I have limitations which I need to respect. However, I don't see these limitations as set in stone anymore- over time I expect continue to increase my energy levels and immune response. I find I can test my current limitations with less concern (that I'll be put out of commission for days) and more curiosity about how much better I might respond.

Why I began to Practice Bikram Yoga

2010-11-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

I have always been a bit of a hot house flower- sensitive to changes in my environment and routine, quick to catch whatever cold or flu viruses are floating around, easily fatigued and overwhelmed- physically and emotionally. I have lived with arthritis and chronic fatigue for many years. My increasingly annoying, frequent and persistent catchphrase was "I'm so tired." Maybe it's just my genes. Perhaps it began when I contracted the mono virus when I was just ten years old. Doctors have never been able to give me clear answers- maybe there are none to give- or recommendations that helped. I went through periods of anger and frustration about my condition and finally I think I just resigned myself to believing "this is just how I am and how I feel- deal with it."

In March of 2009 my mother passed away after years of living with emphysema, which restricted her life to smaller and smaller realms, taking more and more of her gifts, abilities and connections to the world and people she loved. After seeing her in chronic discomfort and pain for so long and finally losing her to such a cruel degenerative disease, something in me shifted. I would not just give up on myself and leave myself vulnerable to the degenerative illnesses of age; I would not let this final lesson, this final gift from my mother go unheeded.

My friend, Robin, had been practicing and teaching Bikram yoga for many years and lovingly persisted in telling me about the benefits of regular practice. I believed her. I wanted to- I just couldn't figure out how I could do it. I barely had enough energy to make it through my days as a teacher. I needed 10-12 hours of sleep to recover enough to get through the next day. How could I, after a long school day, drive the 30 minutes to the closest Bikram studio, work through the tough 90 minute yoga routine, drive home- and still have time to unwind from my day and get my requisite hours of sleep?

A year after my mother's death, almost to to day, I pushed aside all of my excuses- all of my real concerns about how I could manage this- and took the first class of what would become my regular practice. After a few classes, I signed-up for a year-long package. I made a year-long commitment to this practice, which, I suspected, after only a few classes, could be the first thing to make a real difference in my health.

I enjoyed the mental challenge with which the teachers framed the practice. Positive and supportive, but unyielding in their rules to "stay in the room," "try harder," "find your edge and hold it," "go past your comfort zone," the teachers and their dialog resonated with me.

After class, when I looked in the mirror, my eyes looked brighter and my skin seemed to glow. After the first few classes, I felt more alert and awake. I felt less exhausted, even though I had pushed and exerted myself through the hot, uncomfortable 90 minutes of postures. I felt lighter somehow- happier. This seemed something more than the endorphin rush of cardiovascular exercise, which for me only lasted a few hours at most. This was a happiness sustained, a contented bliss that stayed with me.

I was hooked.